Well, it’s finally here!! My consultation for my mastectomy reconstruction and nipple reconstruction is tomorrow. Yes, once again more surgery. At this point I’ve stopped counting lol. It’s been well over a year I had my implants placed, now it’s time to tune them up!
I approach this with joy, excitement and fear. Excitement to be “complete”, joy to be moving on with this and fear of the unknown. How will I look? Will I be happy? And of course how much will it hurt? All I know there is something in me that says now is the right time. I want to feel whole again. I know the fear of cancer will always linger but finishing this process will help me have some closure to the cancer chapter in my life, and allow me to open a new chapter…life after cancer, being a survivor!
Well here I am approximately almost 4 years in remission, and I finally feel like I’m moving on with my life. My husband and I are starting to embark on a new journey of surrogacy. I still have more reconstruction to be done before the birth, but we are jumping on that mommy and daddy wagon right now. Some how in my body I’ve got a biological clock, and it’s ticking. Yes! Amazingly enough a part of my body that has not been remove! Lol
In between having my lumpectomy and my chemo treatment, I was smart enough to have my eggs harvested at age 36. I really feel that doctors nowadays need to inform younger women of their options about the fertility before going through treatment chemo. I only had a 8 week window to squeeze two cycles of IVF in. If I was informed sooner I might have done one before my lumpectomy and two after. I Was only able to harvest nine eggs which resulted in eight embryos. I had also found out during IVF I had polycystic ovarian syndrome, who the hell has this many diagnosis is in their life??? So it looked like Cancer or not,Ivf was in my future, but not necessarily a gestational carrier. Thanks Cancer for throwing that curve ball into the mix!
Now,I had mixed feelings about disclosing myself obtaining a gestational carrier for my embryo. Hopefully there are some people out there like me who can share their story. I was hesitant because a lot of people have made very nasty comments to me particularly about my age and having a baby. Or me being too ill ( I now have fibro and lupus,yay) Seriously??? Wtf?? At 40 I’m too old? Believe me I didn’t choose to get cancer at 36, nor would I wish this on anyone else. I think 40 is the new 30, and to all those who have nasty opinions… What’s the saying? Opinions are like A-holes everone has one?? Or I prefer the golden rule, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all! I beat cancer, I CAN raise a child. My son is already 15 yrs old and I did it while fighting cancer. That should tell you I am one strong woman.
And what about Juliana Ransik, anyone make nasty comments to her? She didn’t have chemo or a hysterectomy, but because she’s famous it’s ok?
Ok, enough about my rant lol. I’m excited for my family to hopefully be growing. It’s a long process, lots of paperwork, lots of patience and lots of money. I guess it’s going to be kinda like Match.com for a uterus!! I just pray my husband will be blessed with a child of our own, or twins if we are even more lucky!( not to be greedy, but been through hell n back I think that’s ok to be lol).
I really don’t know what to expect on this journey. I know there will be ups and downs. And the big one, no guarantee this will work, but we won’t know until we try. Hopefully this time next year I will be writing about what to expect, when your expecting someone else carrying your child :)
So I know I have not posted in quite some time. So Here are things in the past few months in a nut she’ll.
I returned back to work to in May to my normal routine. It was extremely hard because of the chemo brain trying to remember everything which I’m sure others can relate to. Unfortunately in October I thought I had a really bad stomach virus and went to the emergency room I was misdiagnosed with a neoplasm in my liver and was completely freaked out that the cancer had metastasized. The next day I went to my oncologist and by the time I got there I was in liver failure and returned back to the emergency room and low and behold I had gallstones and pancreatitis! Seriously you can’t make this crap up!! The pancreatitis was so bad I was admitted to the hospital for seven days and ended up having my gallbladder removed. So that was a lot of fun because it was my son’s first homecoming and unfortunately I had to miss that milestone. Btw being admitted that long is enough to make you nuts! I was lucky enough for three days to have the room to myself. Plus I had a fan and febreeze with me to make it more tolerable. You know me I’m always looking for a way to make to crappy stuff a little more easy to deal with.
Then next, I had my six-month infusion. That was a treat as always, however it was made worse by my new diagnosis of Lupis. Yes, another wonderful aliment that I have been blessed with. Thanks to my surgical oncologist who recommended me going to a rheumatologist because of my PTSD ,anxiety ,skin disorders and allergies she pinpointed that it might be something other then a coincidence I had all these issues. So after going through all the testing with the rheumatologist I was also diagnosed with Epstein- Barr . I’m glad I have these diagnosis is now because I am absolutely exhausted all the time and I couldn’t figure out why.( so to everyone who thought I was lazy, haha your wrong).
And last but not least looking towards the future I’m starting to begin planning my next reconstruction surgery. It’s been a year since I’ve had my implants put in and I truly feel like it’s time to close the door in this chapter. I’m starting to feel somewhat incomplete by the way I look. I’m just worried about the anesthesia and going through the pain of not being able to be mobile for a few weeks. Not that I’m not saying having my breasts perfect makes me a complete person, but I’m just reminded every single time I look in the mirror of what I’ve been through the past four years of my life. Truthfully I’m just really over cancer. And plus I finally get to get my tattoos of the cherry and strawberry for my nipples! LOL
The other thing that I’ve been up to is I open my own Etsy store to help with my anxiety. I usually do my crafting late at night when I can’t sleep ,I find it extremely calming. Personally when I was going through my chemo treatment or anytime now that I am really anxious, my husband takes me for a ride down by the beach. So I figured why not start a little Etsy store with my crafts that I do with sea glass, shells, jewelry and wreaths. Plus who can’t use a little extra money for the medical bills! If you would like to check out my store here is the link, I hope you enjoy it. I called it ShoreSerenity.
If the link does not work go to Etsy and put in ShoreSerenity to vist my store!
I hope you enjoy!
Of course all of us who have or had cancer have thought about death.
Hearing about Brittany Meynard story of course hits very close to home. Only being 29 and being diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and being given the opportunity to choose the day that she dies, to me makes her one of the strongest people I have ever seen.
Now, some people say that it’s being selfish choosing to take your own life in that manner. People in our position ,and given that there is a choice it’s not being selfish! Its actually being generous to the family and friends that you love. It gives them the opportunity to say goodbye and with dignity.
I feel like the people who are against this just don’t get the pain and suffering that people who have cancer go through. ( and other terminal diseases). And not to mention the financial cost that it brings to the family. For the past four years all I’ve been doing is dealing with surgeries scans, infusions, medications. Also not being able to work and having to be on disability really put you in a financial predicament,even though you do have insurance, the disability does not pay much.
Of course this is brought about the thought of my own mortality. ( not that I have not thought about it several times over the past 3years). But it is alwaysin the back if my mind what if the cancer comes back again, what would I do? What would you do? I mean going to chemo was pure hell, radiation was not much better, the multiple biopsies, the mastectomy tme and now several surgeries following my mastectomy, has all been so trying on myself and my family. So, if some reason I was in her position and I was given that short amount of time knowing how painful this would be, I would do the exact same thing she is doing.
So to you Brittney,I say bravo because you are taking control of this disease, youare choosing when it is your time to go and youhave that right to die in the matter that you see fitting.
Brittany I hope somehow you find comfort in knowing what lies ahead and that your family is excepting of your choice. I hope that all the attention on this brings light to end of life issues. Because unless you have had a deadly disease or have a love one who does, you just don’t understand fully what this is all about.
We’ll it my week to celebrate 3 yrs in remission and counting! I’m half way there!! 5 is the Magic number and hell YES!!! I am gonna make it. I’ve come too far and fought to hard not to! Life is good, it’s different now, but still good! I’m so grateful for being here and living life!!