Monthly Archives: October 2012

My pain and the hurricane…


As we batten down the hatches here at the Jersey Shore for hurricane Sandy. ( Very appropriate name I think considering we live at the shore). I start to take my new Aromatise meds for my breast cancer on Friday night. I AM SICK OF BEING SICK BLAH!!! DAMN YOU BREAST CANCER, I thought you where gone for good and once again your ugly head is peeking into my life again.

Now my meds and the storm are a lot a like, the perfect storm lol. Both are a something you dread but have to live though. Friday night was the first time I took the new meds and I was hopeful that the side effects would not be as bad as my doctor had warned. She said joint pain and fatigue( I read about the other crappy side effects on the package, at least with  this one does not have anal leakage LMAO. Well thank god for that! I thought to myself can’t be as bad what I felt during chemo. I AM ONE TOUGH CHICK  when it comes to this. I can do it!! Just like we are hoping that the impact of Sandy would not affect us as they would predict. WRONG ON BOTH FRONTS, DAMN!! I guess that’s why I am not a professional psychic, I cant predict anything lol.

Aww Ma, I don’t want to take my cancer meds! Why can’t they make bubble gum flavored cancer meds?? I would be up for it lol.

The pain started yesterday in my hips and feet. And now has worked up to the joints in my fingers, nothing seems to help this pain. As for the storm, well the wind started yesterday early, and now has worked its way up to about 25 mile an hour wind and parts along the shore are now flooded. Thank god I still had some perks left over from my hysterectomy a few months ago or my husband would have found me playing in the surf at the beach right now!! Both things are unreal and a pain in the ass, or my case a pain in my, hips,back,fingers,arms etc.

There is nothing you can do about either one. At least the storm will be gone in a few days, I just hope the pain with leave along with the storm…




On Sunday October 21st I participated in my first Strides Walk to end Breast Cancer. I was able to raise over $2600.00! I am proud to say I surpassed my goal of $1500 by a lot, and I am now a pacesetter with The American Cancer Society! The event was amazing, inspiring and wonderful. Thank you to all my friends family and co-workers who came out to join my “Rack Pack“.

Even though I could be facing breast cancer again (yes, they are now unsure of my biopsy results now), this was something to keep me going.  I am glad that I am able to give back to my family of survivors and hopefully save someone elses life. I just pray soon there is a cure for this horrible disease. I met some really amazing women that day and to see a turn out of 20,0000 walkers just blew my mind!!!

I am so proud to have been able to accomplish this just on year after my treatment, and possibly having a to face it again soon.( I will be back with an update on that after my MRI next week and second opinions at Robert Wood Johnson hospital). Yes, Virgina there is a Santa Clause… this year he could be bringing me my new boobs lol. POSITIVE THOUGHTS

I have to say a huge THANK YOU to my husband for wearing pink for me on that day (he is a man’s man lol), and for putting up with all my fundraising talk and all the pink around the house! I promise next year I will go easy on you XOXO.














All I needed to know in life, I learned from having breast cancer! (hint,hint it has to do with friends & family)


Amongst all this crap I have been through in the past two years I have to thank my family and friends. Without them I would not have the strength to get through all of this. Without them I would not have found my cancer (Pat!!)!! I love you all dearly!!! My husband and son are so amazing!! Both of you are my angels and you are my heart!!Thank you for helping me on my worst days and being there for my best days, without either of you I would be missing a piece of myself!!

My son Branden and husband Rick

Rick and myself a month and a half before I was diagnosed. Man I miss that 80’s hair!!!But I do like my chemo curls lol.

These are the pictures from when Jessica and I cut my hair off in April 2011. We laughed, we cried but we made it fun!! The hair in the garbage can after looked like a Shih Tzu LMAO!!

Mohawk with the classy rat-tail, very early 90’s

a good friend shaves your head




These pictures below where from mother’s day 2011, all I wanted to do was sit and smell the salt air. I was to sick for anything else, but it made me so happy!!

Myself and Branden on Mothers day 2011

Rick and myself

Pink party at the melting pot, 2/2011 right after my lumpectomy.

The above picture is from Feb 2011. My friends had a pink party for me. Nothing better than a little fondue to pick up your   spirits!! What an amazing group of friends I have for doing all of this!

Pink drinks!!

marshmallows for dipping, mine looked like boobs lol take notice the one had a dent in it, just like mine!!!


 These next group of shots are from when my friends surprised me with a night out in a PINK LIMO!!! They had shirts made and all wore pink. What a way to celebrate being in remission. Again THANK YOU ALL!! This time you got me to cry lol.

Jenny Mac and Gen

The HOT pink limo!! My celebration of being in remission 11/2011

Jb, Lorin and myself

J boogs and myslef

Pink night to celebrate me being in remission!!

ok you got me with the surprise!!

The girls

I have learned though all of this, that all you need in life is a good family and good friends. Both will get you a long way, no matter what your battle is. I LOVE YOU ALL!! XOXO THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS

I know I am strong, but I dont know if I am this strong!


Yesterday I had the stitches removed from my biopsy site. (Thank god they are out!) However this little stint was not without its trip to the ER.

Here we go again, it’s a roller coaster ride, up,down sharp turns, the whole 9. Saturday my husband and I went to Costco to prepare for the up coming week for when I would be returning back to work (yay how I miss my friends). I kept complaining of a sharp pain in my breast. I pride myself on being a strong person when it comes to pain, I have had more IV’s,injections and blood draws than anyone I know lol. But this pain was sharp and bad. On a scale of 1-10 we where @ a 9. Earlier before we left my steri strips came off the incision area so I cleaned it and covered it didn’t think anything of it. By the time 9 pm rolled around I couldn’t take it anymore and off to the er we went. I looked @ the incision area one more time before we left and it looked like the wound had opened. (These things are par for the course with me, I just roll with it).
We wait in the ER waiting area an hour to be seen by a doctor. She saw me for a total of 30 mins,makes no sense right? They called my surgeon gave me antibiotics and pain meds and sent me on my merry way. No blood cultures,no IV, no culturing the incision (I am not complaining about the fact that I was in and out, but do you ever feel like the doctors just are not listening to you?? )But with the pain pills in my system the pain was at a tolerable level. My surgeon called me sunday morning to check up on me and felt that I possibly have an infection just starting and we caught it in time.
So that brings us to today, stitches removed, we went over my biopsy report again, I was not happy to hear there where more microcalcifications but apparently that is from the radiation. Now the bad news…another mammo in 6 weeks ( ARE YOU F^*#ING KIDDING ME). Apparently the titanium pellet they placed in when I had the stereotactic biopsy was not to be found in the new biopsy tissue, so that means one of two things, 1) it fell out of the tissue when they where doing what they do in the lab or 2) it’s still in me!!! If it’s still in me it means all the tissue that needed to be taken out was not. MORE SURGERY!! You see my dilemma??? This would be my 5th surgery on my right breast. I can’t see myself being cut open again, I know it will be around Thanksgiving, but I am no turkey to be carved up again!!! Why cant I just get the magical breast I have been dreaming of??? This would all be a distant memory!! To tell you the truth I am frustrated and pissed. I think a second opinion is called for with this one…again to be contiuned.

Yea that looks about right, the sharp cutting tool in the breast!!!

The voice of “what if” is in my head. How do I get it out??


When will the worrying stop?? I know this time I escaped the “C” word, but what about the next? T minus 5 months and counting till my next cameo @ the breast center. Will they find something again, and will  have more biopsies?? Does anyone understand this feeling??? I am only a year in remission, is this how the rest of my life will be??? (Sorry about the rant.)

I know I am strong, but truth be told I am scared, scared as shit! I am scared that this thing will be back again, even though the statics (yes, lets not forget again I am a stastic) show I have A 97% of being cured. But how do I know, how do “they” know? I JUST DONT KNOW!!!  Its frustrating and confusing and stressful. Truthfully, after getting through the chemo and radiation I had no issues going for my follow-up mammos they didn’t scare me. Now, I have a new perspective with my two recent biopsies. I know its call “CYA“, and god forbid something is not followed up on, but I can appreciate that. However, it does burn you out and not to mention your spouse beyond burnt out. How will I get these “what if’s” that are in my brain out. They are weaving this web that traps the memories and fear of treatments past in my thoughts.

I just keep wondering will just be a matter of time before it will be back? I feel as if I am waiting for cancer to knock on my door again.  To quoate a poem from  Mr. Edgar Allen Poe:

“While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.`’Tis some visitor,’ I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -Only this, and nothing more.”

I know the feeling Mr. Poe about that damn rapping, but mine is no raven, mine is cancer and it seems to be here, forever more!

I mean I am 37 years old, and say god willing I live to 75 how many more biopsies and scares can I take mentally and physically take??? And not to mention when I go through it, my family goes through it. I just don’t want it to be a part of my life anymore. It  seems like the “C” word will be the third person in my marriage from now on.