The voice of “what if” is in my head. How do I get it out??


When will the worrying stop?? I know this time I escaped the “C” word, but what about the next? T minus 5 months and counting till my next cameo @ the breast center. Will they find something again, and will  have more biopsies?? Does anyone understand this feeling??? I am only a year in remission, is this how the rest of my life will be??? (Sorry about the rant.)

I know I am strong, but truth be told I am scared, scared as shit! I am scared that this thing will be back again, even though the statics (yes, lets not forget again I am a stastic) show I have A 97% of being cured. But how do I know, how do “they” know? I JUST DONT KNOW!!!  Its frustrating and confusing and stressful. Truthfully, after getting through the chemo and radiation I had no issues going for my follow-up mammos they didn’t scare me. Now, I have a new perspective with my two recent biopsies. I know its call “CYA“, and god forbid something is not followed up on, but I can appreciate that. However, it does burn you out and not to mention your spouse beyond burnt out. How will I get these “what if’s” that are in my brain out. They are weaving this web that traps the memories and fear of treatments past in my thoughts.

I just keep wondering will just be a matter of time before it will be back? I feel as if I am waiting for cancer to knock on my door again.  To quoate a poem from  Mr. Edgar Allen Poe:

“While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.`’Tis some visitor,’ I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -Only this, and nothing more.”

I know the feeling Mr. Poe about that damn rapping, but mine is no raven, mine is cancer and it seems to be here, forever more!

I mean I am 37 years old, and say god willing I live to 75 how many more biopsies and scares can I take mentally and physically take??? And not to mention when I go through it, my family goes through it. I just don’t want it to be a part of my life anymore. It  seems like the “C” word will be the third person in my marriage from now on.


About chemobrainandmore

My name is Heather and I am now 39 yrs old living at the Jersey shore. I was diagnosed Jan 2011 with stage II A breast cancer right after my 36th birthday. Sadly I was married for just a year at the time.I had four rounds of chemo 33 round of radiation a lumpectonly and MANY ,MANY biopsies. As if that was not enough I ended up having a total hysterectomy summer of 2012. And then this past July 2013 I under went a bilateral mastectomy and I am still under going reconstruction. I am a mom, a wife and a survivor! I have had more ups and downs then I have fingers and toes! But through it all I have had a smile on my face and try to laugh my way through it all. I have done two Strides Walk for breast cancer and I am extremely proud of how much I have raised ( I made pacesetter status!) I enjoy laughing and making people laugh, and if my blog can shed some light on cancer and make one person laugh at ,or with me ,then the fight has been worth it. Thank you for reading about my life and taking a ride with me on this journey. Feel free to reach out to me, I love being able to pay it forward and help others!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s