Its finally here. The day of my mastectomy. I am scheduled for 12:30 pm to have my breasts removed and all the pain they had caused. All gone in mear hours. Its been such a long journey to get to this point. There is a end to this long pink tunnel of breast cancer, and tomorrow is the day!!”
To My Breasts:
Tomorrow comes with mixed emotions, sadness, anxiety but also relief and happiness. Yes, it is the right decision for me and then I can move on with my life! Fighting with you for almost three year has been to long and draining. And for what?? Just for you to come around every six months. You really are like a bad habit you just can’t shake!!
Sorry girls…I have enjoyed you since I was nine. At times you look fantastic all dressed up. And over the years you drew much attention, some wanted and some not ( men can be such creeps lol). Today you are getting your walking papers, don’t be mad if I don’t cry! I have cried enough over you both. I learned you deceived me into thinking you where healthy and a wonderful part of me. You had somehow hid this illness from me for a while and you compromised my life. I lost my hair because of you and the chance to ever have more children. How could you have done this to me!! I took you shopping at Victoria’s Secrets bought you nice things and yet you tried to kill me. And for this I am saying my final goodbye to you ! Actually I take that back…GOOD RIDDANCE once and for all!! Don’t let the door hit yea where the good lord spilt yea!
This is my war paint! Cancer read between the lines, the pink middle finger is for you!!
I feel like Santa right now. I have my list of things to do,and I am checking it twice. I feel like so much to do in so little time. But really I think that’s how I feel with every event in my life. The anxiety is over whelming!
As I sit here at my oncologist office writing my blog I see patients leaving from the infusion area looking green. I pray that won’t be me in a few week…
Positive thoughts again 🙂
I hope I have prepared well enough for this. Dry shampoo, button down shirts and night gowns, baby wipes, water bottle with a straw, lotion, mastectomy bra, pouch for my drains and a lanyard for the shower. At least I had a good excuse to shop!!
To go along with my twisted humor, I am posting some of my “alternative” options to anatomical nipples. Enjoy!!
They stare back!!!
Yes, my head lights are on!
Everyone loves cupcakes! Why not??
Left breast ON
Right breast OFF
Ok, this is not to be a nipple. This is to go in between my new girls holding them up.
All pretty good options in my mind! I do have a few months before I make the big decision of which it will be. It maybe none of those…my new normal after the surgery will change and probably so will my mind by then.
Just a quick update. I received my MRI results. As of now it shows a small nodule, possibly a hemangioma. Nothing to do for now, thank god!!! Follow up MRI in three months to see if it has increased in size. If it does then a biopsy would be required.
Now its time to focus on preparing for the mastectomy. 9 days to go…
Today I actually had a break down at work and started balling!! I feel so stupid, but it did make me realize I try to put up a strong front for everyone else. I think all of the emotions of three years of tests, scans, lumpectomy, hysterectomy and now the mastectomy have mentally caught up to me. I try to be positive no matter what. I try to make jokes about what I am going through. I think I just need to let myself breath, and accept the pain I am starting to feel…
So Friday I was lucky enough to be able to get an appointment for the MRI for my liver at 3 pm. I hate playing this waiting game for the results. I feel like somehow I should be used to it,each time seems to be getting harder and harder to wait for results.
Fortunately for me the same tech was at the hospital that did my brain MRI last week. He was super nice, understood my humor and was AWESOME with my IV! ( I told him when I have my surgery I am insisting on him putting the IV in not the nurse! My veins are incredibly bad.
I’m not going to lie, but I’m pretty scared about what they could find. Actually, I’m more scared about the results for the liver then the actual surgery for my mastectomy,is that weird?
Usually I am quite positive about things that happened to me. I have been telling myself if there is something in my liver it has the ability to regenerate. And also another positive it wasn’t something in my pancreatitis, I know that usually is death sentence.
After all this is over I think I should go to nursing school!!!! I would have a little bit more working knowledge than most nurses would unfortunately lol.
Hopefully my next blog will be a positive one and I’ll get the all clear.Until then please keep me in your prayers ;). And I will keep my mind occupied.
My feet in the sand last night trying to focus on the positive. Oh how I LOVE the beach at dusk!
Its funny how in life we’re just going along life throws you a curveball out of left field. That is just what happened with my to CT scans and my brain MRI preparing for my bilateral mastectomy. And tonight was the night that unbeknownst to me I am in the middle of a baseball game and feel like I am catching without a mitt. ( don’t get me wrong I am a huge Yankee’s fan but not in the mood for this game)
Go ahead!! Hit me with your best shot!!!
The test came back showing that there’s a mass in my liver. Are you kidding me??? I thought we were talking about breast cancer here?? I guess someone forgot to send a memo to my liver!!! What the hell, it should be behaving right now and not giving me an issue.
Truthfully,I went in having those scans I was not expecting for them to find anything. I just figured that its routine to make sure that nothing has metastases to any other part of my body and stayed in my breast. When I spoke with my oncologist tonight she sounded hopeful but cautious at the same time. I know right now because of my past history with breast cancer you’re treating me with kid gloves,which is fine with me I rather be safe than sorry.
I just get a little freaked out anytime I hear a problem with the liver. Both my mother and father were severe alcoholics as I was growing up. Unfortunately my mom passed when I was 24 from cirrhosis of the liver. What a horrible death it is to see somebody go through.I am not saying that that is going to happen to me, I am just extremely mindful anytime I drink any type of alcohol not to over do it.
So once again another waiting game begins, as get my authorization for my liver MRI. Hopefully I will have it done by the end of the week and all would be good. For now I’m thinking positive thoughts, praying it will be ok and keeping my spirits lifted with hope.
God does not give me any more then I can handle…In the end there will be some lesson for me to learn. I just don’t see the lesson yet 🙂
Most people have a difficult time saying goodbye. We make attachments to people, things and ways of life. We get complacent in our lives.
I learned in my early 20’s that there would be all to many goodbyes for me in life. I lost two pregnancies, said a farewell to my mother who passed when I was 24, mourned the loss of my grandmother who was like a second mother to me. ( she always said I was her favorite! Some how I think she told all my cousins that lol). And to top it all off got divorced.
Saying goodbye has given me thick skin. By the time I was 34, and my father passed and once again saying goodbye for good ran deep through my veins. I also had expieranced a ectopic pregnancy and had emergency surgery to remove one of my fallopian tubes. At this early age saying goodbye to so many people and things did not make it any easier by any means, it just made saying it take on a different meaning for me in my life. I accepted saying goodbye as a new phase. Moving beyond today, missing yesterday and looking toward a hopeful future.
That is why as I prepare to say goodbye to my breasts I shall not morn! I will not regret getting rid of the cancer in me by amputating them. I am moving onto a new phase in my life. Of course there is always that ” chance” it can rear its ugly head at any time. But is that not the case with everyone? It is never expected for these things to happen at the perfect time in our lives. But this time I am in charge of my body!! I can say where and when they go this time.
So it is now time to draw the final curtain on my girls. Its time for them to take a final bow. It has been fun living with you. At times you have looked great, but more recently you made me ill and caused me anxiety and pain. And for that I shall say my final goodbye to you both!! Its been nice knowing you, but my new ones I think I will enjoy much more, because they will not try to kill me! GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!