Sinking like a stone…


Today is one of the bad days for me. Why you may ask? I’m cancer free, my girls are starting to be filled up I should be thrilled, right???

After my fill up two days ago the pain from the expanders is back. Its been six weeks of on going pain physically. I believe I am starting to grieve all my losses from my past up till today. I never did that with my ectopic pregnancy or the lumpectomy, or the hysterectomy. And now with the bilateral mastectomy its a bit much. I feel my sprit, like a heavy stone that has been thrown into a pond,is slowly sinking to the bottom.


Hopefully this journey I’m on leads me back to the top of that pond. Where I can float free and be myself again.


About chemobrainandmore

My name is Heather and I am now 39 yrs old living at the Jersey shore. I was diagnosed Jan 2011 with stage II A breast cancer right after my 36th birthday. Sadly I was married for just a year at the time.I had four rounds of chemo 33 round of radiation a lumpectonly and MANY ,MANY biopsies. As if that was not enough I ended up having a total hysterectomy summer of 2012. And then this past July 2013 I under went a bilateral mastectomy and I am still under going reconstruction. I am a mom, a wife and a survivor! I have had more ups and downs then I have fingers and toes! But through it all I have had a smile on my face and try to laugh my way through it all. I have done two Strides Walk for breast cancer and I am extremely proud of how much I have raised ( I made pacesetter status!) I enjoy laughing and making people laugh, and if my blog can shed some light on cancer and make one person laugh at ,or with me ,then the fight has been worth it. Thank you for reading about my life and taking a ride with me on this journey. Feel free to reach out to me, I love being able to pay it forward and help others!

3 responses »

  1. I had good days and bad days along my very long and painful path of chemo and five surgeries. Eventually it just overtakes who you are. But these days come and go through the fill process. I know you are tired of being in pain. I also realized I didn’t look or feel like I had expected to and my path was lined with unfulfilled expectations. Now, being two years bmx, I have heard so many heart wrenching stories of failed expansions and recurrences that I know I am very fortunate. This path we are on is hard. Filled with ups and downs and sometimes dead ends. Just keep going. Keep resting and taking care of yourself. Let the good and bad days come and go, as they will, it’s all part of the process. Before you know it the expanders will be out. Your implants will be in. Your heart will be healed. And you will be able to look at yourself and be proud of all you have endured. A true survivor !!!!

    Please know I felt exactly as you are feeling. I always kept something positive on my calendar to look forward to. A lunch w a friend. A pedi. A massage. A volunteering event. Something. Always something to look forward to. Could be as easy as a new book. Did you read the Walk series by Paul Evans (maybe Richard Evans?). A great easy to read three Book series that will really take you out of yourself and far away into someone else’s situation. I recommend them highly!

    • Thank you so much for the kind words and support. No one understands like someone who has been through it. I am trying to have one thing a week to look forward to ( free eyebrow wax this week lol) and next week a pedi with a friend. Its so hard for all of what you have been through, not letting it define you. Right now I also started my Strides fund raising, I love doing that and it helps keep my mind off of me. I thank you again for you reaching out, I know you do a lot for ACS they are lucky to have you. And your encouragement helped me some 🙂

  2. I feel I don’t know what it’s like to be well!! I’ve got tears streaming down my face and typing through watery vision! How does wellness return? How do I relieve joint pains, weak legs and be strong again? And if this is normal…why?

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