Just wanted everyone to know my MRI has not changed. The mass is stable for now and no biopsy!!!
Sorry I have not been writing as much, I had a fall on my stair case pretty bad and of course I caught my right arm( the troubled one) on the way down. I didn’t damage the surgical sight but pulled all the muscles an possible tore scare tissue because I it constantly burning. So I’m restricted on movement till I feel better. My back is going out, my shoulder hurts and I have a terrible stiff neck. Frustrating having a fall back in my progression.
Also, sadly I have a diagnosis of depression, panic disorder and PTSD. I am fighting the physical pain along with my mind. I am in treatment, it’s so hard especially when people say it’s ok, because it’s not. I feel like I’m expected to some how snap out of this tomorrow, and I know it does not work that way at all. This is the side of cancer no really talks about, the mental pain that hits you out of no where, I have panic attacks daily some times more, if I could sleep all day I would, that is if I fall asleep at all>, I don’t like leaving the house, my startle reflex is a15 on a scale of 1-10, everything is like nails on a chalk board ie son dribbling ball in house, me just generally snapping at everyone on a dime., of and crying at EVERYTHING is a treat, not to mention I wake up trembling and sweating daily ( so attractive) THIS is not me! I hate it because it feels never ending even though rationally I know it is. When I am in a panic attack I am so illrational it’s unreal, once I calm down I can see it.
I’m doing what I can to feel better, eating right, meditating, I going a meditation n reiki group ( gives me something to look forward to ). I have my first bc support group Thursday night. Plus I see dr. H weekly and speak to a mental health coach weekly. Right now for me at least it’s hard to keep things in perspective. My denial for my long term disability still has not been turned over so still waiting on that. The ” what if” that cancer is back will always be in the back go my mine. The worry that my ” chemobrain” after two years won’t get better, I hate repeating myself and asking the same thing over and over again. My family member don’t seem to think chemobrain is a dx and that I just like to hear myself talk, it’s real, it’s frustrating, and it’s bad! I feel like I’m loosing my mind at times with it.
We’ll thanks for the rant and my upbeat lmao update. Hopefully with a good amount of treatment and tweeting of meds this too shale pass. I know there will be some lesson to learn from this, I just can see it through all the fog. e