MRI update.. I swear I’m not a nut lol! Ok maybe just a little crazy

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MRI update.. I swear I’m not a nut lol! Ok maybe just a little crazy

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Just wanted everyone to know my MRI has not changed. The mass is stable for now and no biopsy!!!
Sorry I have not been writing as much, I had a fall on my stair case pretty bad and of course I caught my right arm( the troubled one) on the way down. I didn’t damage the surgical sight but pulled all the muscles an possible tore scare tissue because I it constantly burning. So I’m restricted on movement till I feel better. My back is going out, my shoulder hurts and I have a terrible stiff neck. Frustrating having a fall back in my progression.

Also, sadly I have a diagnosis of depression, panic disorder and PTSD. I am fighting the physical pain along with my mind. I am in treatment, it’s so hard especially when people say it’s ok, because it’s not. I feel like I’m expected to some how snap out of this tomorrow, and I know it does not work that way at all. This is the side of cancer no really talks about, the mental pain that hits you out of no where, I have panic attacks daily some times more, if I could sleep all day I would, that is if I fall asleep at all>, I don’t like leaving the house, my startle reflex is a15 on a scale of 1-10, everything is like nails on a chalk board ie son dribbling ball in house, me just generally snapping at everyone on a dime., of and crying at EVERYTHING is a treat, not to mention I wake up trembling and sweating daily ( so attractive) THIS is not me! I hate it because it feels never ending even though rationally I know it is. When I am in a panic attack I am so illrational it’s unreal, once I calm down I can see it.

I’m doing what I can to feel better, eating right, meditating, I going a meditation n reiki group ( gives me something to look forward to ). I have my first bc support group Thursday night. Plus I see dr. H weekly and speak to a mental health coach weekly. Right now for me at least it’s hard to keep things in perspective. My denial for my long term disability still has not been turned over so still waiting on that. The ” what if” that cancer is back will always be in the back go my mine. The worry that my ” chemobrain” after two years won’t get better, I hate repeating myself and asking the same thing over and over again. My family member don’t seem to think chemobrain is a dx and that I just like to hear myself talk, it’s real, it’s frustrating, and it’s bad! I feel like I’m loosing my mind at times with it.

We’ll thanks for the rant and my upbeat lmao update. Hopefully with a good amount of treatment and tweeting of meds this too shale pass. I know there will be some lesson to learn from this, I just can see it through all the fog. e

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About chemobrainandmore

My name is Heather and I am now 39 yrs old living at the Jersey shore. I was diagnosed Jan 2011 with stage II A breast cancer right after my 36th birthday. Sadly I was married for just a year at the time.I had four rounds of chemo 33 round of radiation a lumpectonly and MANY ,MANY biopsies. As if that was not enough I ended up having a total hysterectomy summer of 2012. And then this past July 2013 I under went a bilateral mastectomy and I am still under going reconstruction. I am a mom, a wife and a survivor! I have had more ups and downs then I have fingers and toes! But through it all I have had a smile on my face and try to laugh my way through it all. I have done two Strides Walk for breast cancer and I am extremely proud of how much I have raised ( I made pacesetter status!) I enjoy laughing and making people laugh, and if my blog can shed some light on cancer and make one person laugh at ,or with me ,then the fight has been worth it. Thank you for reading about my life and taking a ride with me on this journey. Feel free to reach out to me, I love being able to pay it forward and help others!

16 responses »

  1. Thank you for your honesty. I have had a hard time too since my diagnosis, not so much fear that it will come back… But def body image issues. For years my husband could not touch my chest at all w/o me getting upset. I used to think it was just because I felt ugly and scarred, but I am beginning to realize it is more of a PTSD. Breasts have come to mean chemo, pain, surgeries, potential death, more surgeries… I just can’t seem to get completely past it. I don’t know if I ever will 😦 Anyhoo, take care, I am glad you are seeking help and the MRI was stable. I hope that more people will be honest about what bc has really meant in their lives. It is not all perky fake boobs and pink ribbon parades.

    • Thank you for sharing also. Its something hard to admit when your Constantly being told your strong. Its def not pink ribbons and parades, there’s a dark side that is not spoken of. I think when you get your cancer diagnosis it should come with a psychologists phone number! It is hard to get past all of it, it really is years of torture being poked and cut over n over again, how can you not be afraid? Thanks for the well wishes. I’m looking forward to the meditation n reiki class, it gives my brain a break from focusing on being a patient.

  2. I am sorry to hear that you’ve hit another one of the inevitable rough patches. All of us on this road, battling cancer, can really relate to the dark moments and the depression. Even (maybe especially) those of us who are seen as strong women, fighting hard with a good sense of humor along the way, are going to have dark moments. Your comments on my blog have been uplifting to me, so please know that I am thinking of you and sending positive energy your way.

    • I appreciate the support. Your right, I think we who are the strongest and joke the most, also crash the hardest. I’m just mad at myself because its a time I should be so happy and be thankful that I have a second(actually 9th, but who’s counting) chance at living . I just find myself barely able to do every day tasks but I won’t be too hard on myself with that since I had fallen and injured myself. Thank you again for lifting my sprit today 😉 its good karma!

  3. Heather, you have been beaten up! Falling down the stairs, off course on your bad side, where else?!?, is rotten but fixable with less movement and pain pills (you did get those, yes? I hope so).
    The mental health stuff is a whole different story. I get told constantly how brave and strong and funny I am, so I hear you. And you’ve been doing this crappy cancer thing for so long (compared to me at three months in), it’s a wonder you didn’t cave earlier.
    I’ve had serious depression twice in my life and from what you describe, we experience it similarly. The PTSD is completely understandable, especially since your personality is so strong and capable, burying unpleasant things is a defence mechanism that comes back in the form of PTSD. My son had leukemia from age 8 to 11 (he is a 13-year event-free survivor now, yay), and he suffers very much from PTSD from three years of cancer-treatment trauma.
    It is amazing that you have embraced treatment with such commitment. You’re doing everything right. Just remember it took time to get this way, and it will take lots of time to come back. NO ONE snaps back, so do not be hard on yourself, ever. It is a little bit at a time.
    You don’t mention if meds are part of your plan, but they definitely were for me. Not the first time, I just suffered and clawed my way back on my own, stupid, stupid me. The second time it was anti-depressants and talk therapy (when my son was diagnosed and I had an 11-month-old as well as my 10 year-old daughter), and self-care. Having kids was a great help for me, because it made me see there was a prize at the end of depression, even though sometimes I thought that pressure would finish me off.
    Cancer sucks on every level. I know we don’t know each other, but if ever you want to branch out off the blogs, I’m here to commiserate and support. Seriously.

    • Hi, thank you so much for the support. And its a breath of fresh air that someone understands.
      I’ve been on antidepressants since my father past five years ago. I’ve gone from lexapro to effixer er 2x per day. The effeixer nice side effect is it help with hot flashes. Also on meds for the anxietys too.

      Truthfully I feel like I’m getting worse even though I’m in therapy. I jump at every noise, started up with nightmares this week waking up yelling. My husband picked a prize of a wife lol. He can’t even get a break when he sleeps.

      Yes we sound VERY much a like!! I cant imagine a child dealing with leukemia and then PTSD. I’m glad he survived it! My son is 14 so I’m always worried he may get depressed from having me be sick for so long. But then again he’s at that age now where he can’t wait to get home to hang out with friends cause Mommy’s not cool any more haha.

      I would love to branch off the blog. I appreciate the offer. No one understands more then someone that has dealt with both issues. I believe my email is listed. Thanks so much xo

  4. Heather, you put into words what so many breast cancer patients are experiencing but haven’t been able to put into words. I, for one, couldn’t describe my emotions but when I upped my anti-depressant to 50mg (Zoloft) I can finally sleep and return to sleep (after waking to go to the bathroom) where beforehand, my mind would race and not quiet, I could not fall back to sleep. My mind was killing myself.
    Well wishes are on their way to you. 🙂

  5. Hello, haven’t seen you posting for a bit, so just wanted to send you my best wishes and say that you are in my thoughts at this time. Hope you are recovering well from the fall. Big hugs to you. J x

    • Hi Jackie! Thank you for the wishes. I’ve been having a very rough time…I am trying to physically n mentally recover( its so hard) I actually have to start physical therapy, I’m not looking forward to the pain but I am looking forward to normal:) Hopefully I will post soon. I hope you are also well!

  6. Just talking about it shows how brave, courageous and beautiful you are. To be able to be so open and honest, is a gift. You are a truly precious lady whom I am blessed to be able to be in the blogging presence of. I hope your pain heals, your mind clears and you know how special you are.

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