Why do I still feel like everything is a struggle?


Its like struggling to breathe.

Being back to work has been physically and mentally a struggle. By 3pm I’m done. I need a long, long nap. My chest hurts and my brain is MUSH! I constantly finding my self saying to my coworkers ” am I repeating myself” or forgetting something that was said to me two mins before. All I can say is its exhausting and frustrating! Its like I’m loosing my mind! Not to mention I’ve developed a lump on my right breast that protrudes. One Dr thinks its a cyst another think its scar tissue. I don’t even have to tell you what I think it is, it goes without saying. I feel like no one understands this part of the journey. The part where going back to life is a total struggle…

The other battle I still am dealing with is the denial of my disability. It blows my mind that someone who probably is not a doctor, and sure as hell does not know me, decided I should have been back to work three days after my last surgery, WTF!! What gives them the right to mess with my life, future, job and financial situation. This is weighing on my mind all the time.

And it goes without saying all of this just triggers the PTSD and panic attacks. When do I finally get a break and get to take breath and say, ” its all good, there are no fights for now”.

Anyone have any suggestions on how they got through this part?


About chemobrainandmore

My name is Heather and I am now 39 yrs old living at the Jersey shore. I was diagnosed Jan 2011 with stage II A breast cancer right after my 36th birthday. Sadly I was married for just a year at the time.I had four rounds of chemo 33 round of radiation a lumpectonly and MANY ,MANY biopsies. As if that was not enough I ended up having a total hysterectomy summer of 2012. And then this past July 2013 I under went a bilateral mastectomy and I am still under going reconstruction. I am a mom, a wife and a survivor! I have had more ups and downs then I have fingers and toes! But through it all I have had a smile on my face and try to laugh my way through it all. I have done two Strides Walk for breast cancer and I am extremely proud of how much I have raised ( I made pacesetter status!) I enjoy laughing and making people laugh, and if my blog can shed some light on cancer and make one person laugh at ,or with me ,then the fight has been worth it. Thank you for reading about my life and taking a ride with me on this journey. Feel free to reach out to me, I love being able to pay it forward and help others!

4 responses »

  1. Heather my heart goes out to you. I sure hope you have a strong community of friends of which you can share all your fears and frustrations. All I can say is keep putting one foot in front of the other. The path will avail to you. My sister has Stage 4 cancer in her liver and the doctors told her to enjoy her time but she decided to try out a new protocol and her results have been amazing. She shared her story on our blog. And there are so many more women doing the do one step at a time. http://breastcanceryogablog.com/?s=valerie+hodenius
    Wishing you lots of support, ove and light.

  2. My husband had a hard time at work too. His mind wouldn’t work like it used to. He hated it. Everything was the same but different at his job. I think he took lots of naps to help.

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