Tag Archives: depression

Hi, I am a breast cancer patient and I have PTSD? It’s a battle with in.

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Hi, I am a breast cancer patient and I have PTSD? It’s a battle with in.

Its been a while since I’ve posted that’s because I have been dealing with a issue that is not talked about, mental illness and cancer. I know all of us have,or has depression, or anxiety related to our dx and treatments. I always worry about ” what if” the cancer is back and i wont find it.But PTSD also??? Yes, I have it all and I am not afraid to say it. To put it in my own terms I have the “trifecta of crazy” 🙂 lol.

I have had the depression for a while and truly thought it was the pain meds I was on messing with my chemical in my brain. But I knew it was something else when we I would wake shaking, heart racing, sweating and crying. That’s more then depression…its PTSD! I find myself jumping at every noise, everything is like nails on a chalk board to me. And the now I’m having the wonderful dreams about things as I see as trauma. The best part of all this are the panic attacks. Once my heart is racing ( I call it my omg feeling) my mind is like a merry go round on fast, and there is no stopping it. I become so irrational about what ever it is. At the time I can’t see it, its only the day after I realize how silly it was, at the time the fear is VERY real.

I know there is social stigma STILL attached to mental illness. Why is that?? I want to raise awareness to these issues related to cancer. It’s so scary and shocking for me to be diagnosed with all this. I mean it’s not the feeling you had being told you have cancer but its a close second. But the sad thing is I knew it was coming. I should have reached out for help back in October! But truth be told, I was afraid to because everyone always said I was strong. I though I was weak by seeking help. I’m starting to realize it takes a stronger person to ask for, and get the help they need then trying to fight this all consuming issue on my own.

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My girls are sadly in a holding pattern

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At every procedure I should have this sign hung!!

Thursday’s visit with the plastic surgeon met with disappointment, however it was not unexpected. Since I have had a low grade fever for 9 days we don’t want to take any chances of filling up my girl’s today 😦 . Those damn complications keep creeping into my recovery! Again I did know I had a 30% chance of having them, because of the radiation treatments from my previous lumpectomy.

I did have the joy of having a needle incereted near the port of the expander to see if there was any unusual fluid. No fluid, so that was positive. Not gonna lie the look of the needle was worse then its prick! ( I have been stuck by ever gage needle, in possibly  more places then I care to share  then anyone I know lol)

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Now, its just waiting on my CBC results. I possibly could end up in the hospital on IV antibiotics. Once again things could be worse, fingers crossed till the results are in! I am fighting off feelings of depression of this set back by thinking of my new perky boobs in a lacy Victoria’s Secret bra!! I already got a gift certificate from my good friend, all I need now are to boobs to try them on! I do admit I would love to shock the crap out of the sales women at Vicki’s and ask them to measure me prereconstruction just for shits and giggles lmao!

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This is my right girl as of today. The x marks the spot of where the port is for the expander. I think she looks like old man balls lmao!! I dont think Victoiria Secret makes bras for old man balls!!

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You want me to measure THAT??