Tag Archives: faith

Update. Let the healing begin..,AGAIN!

Standard

  Here I am not able to sleep. Partially because of pain but mostly anxiety. Plus the dog curled up in my lap constantly does not help the hot flashes, but it’s ok I need the snuggling to get me through this. 

 Boomer snuggling with me  Tomorrow I get to see my new breasts!! And maybe have a drain removed ( I hate them they are horribly sore) I really hope this was the last surgery, and believe me this one was a doozie!!! Constant pulling and pressure. 

The first day home was a huge struggle to get the pain meds right. The second day started running a fever, highest it went was 100.9, whew just missed going to Er. I have tendencies to run fevers after all my surgeries. I think it has something to do with my Lupus. Having a fever to go along with everything else was pretty unbareable. But I can see some cleavage!! At least there is cleavage at the end of this tunnel!ūüöā 

I’m just so uncomfertable with the two drains and not being able to lift my arms. My husband has been a fantastic caregiver as always, I don’t know if I could do it for someone else.

My son has also been a huge help, but you know 15yr olds busy with friends and work. Sadly to say this is “normal” for him lol. I do feel this entire cancer thing has made him a better person. I see a lot of compassion from him and he has a tendency to always help someone in need. ( plus he does his own  wash! Your welcome future wife! Just don’t meet him for like 13-14yrs from now I’m not quite ready to cut the apron strings ūüėĀ)

I’ll be back in a few days with an update of how my girls are going

Oh and don’t forget to check out my Etsy store!! http://www.etsy.com/store/ ShoreSerenity , sea glass jewelry, beachy decor , wine cork decor and  wreaths. If u mention my blog “chemobrainandmore”, you will receive 15% off any one item in my shop, good only until September 5th so hurry! One per customer please. 

 
 

Advertisements

My pain and the hurricane…

Standard

As we batten down the hatches here at the Jersey Shore for hurricane Sandy. ( Very appropriate name I think considering we live at the shore). I start to take my new Aromatise meds for my breast cancer on Friday night. I AM SICK OF BEING SICK BLAH!!! DAMN YOU BREAST CANCER, I thought you where gone for good and once again your ugly head is peeking into my life again.

Now my meds and the storm are a lot a like, the perfect storm lol. Both are a something you dread but have to live though. Friday night was the first time¬†I took the new meds and I was hopeful that the side effects would not be as bad as my doctor had warned. She said joint pain and fatigue( I read about the other crappy side effects on the package, at¬†least with¬† this one does not have anal¬†leakage LMAO. Well thank god for that! I thought to myself can’t be as bad what I felt during chemo. I AM ONE TOUGH CHICK¬† when it comes to this. I can do it!! Just like we are hoping that the impact of Sandy would not affect us as they would predict.¬†WRONG ON BOTH FRONTS, DAMN!! I guess that’s¬†why I am not a professional psychic, I cant predict anything lol.

Aww¬†Ma, I don’t want to take my cancer meds! Why can’t they make bubble gum flavored cancer meds?? I would be up for it lol.

The pain started yesterday in my hips and feet. And now has worked up to the joints in my fingers, nothing seems to help this pain. As for the storm, well the wind started yesterday early, and now has worked its way up to about 25 mile an hour wind and parts along the shore are now flooded. Thank god I still had some perks left over from my hysterectomy a few months ago or my husband would have found me playing in the surf at the beach right now!! Both things are unreal and a pain in the ass, or my case a pain in my, hips,back,fingers,arms etc.

There is nothing you can do about either one. At least the storm will be gone in a few days, I just hope the pain with leave along with the storm…

The voice of “what if” is in my head. How do I get it out??

Standard

When will the worrying stop?? I know this time¬†I escaped the “C” word, but what about the next? T minus 5 months and counting till my next cameo @ the breast center. Will they find something again, and will¬† have more biopsies?? Does¬†anyone understand this feeling??? I am only a year¬†in remission, is this how the rest of my life will be???¬†(Sorry about the rant.)

I know I am strong, but truth be told I am scared, scared as shit! I am scared that this thing will be back again, even though the statics (yes, lets not forget again I am a stastic) show I have A 97% of being cured. But how do I know, how do “they” know? I JUST DONT KNOW!!!¬†¬†Its frustrating and confusing and stressful. Truthfully, after getting through the chemo and radiation I had no issues going for my follow-up mammos¬†they didn’t scare me. Now, I have a new perspective with my two recent biopsies. I know its call “CYA“, and god forbid something is not followed up on, but¬†I can appreciate that.¬†However, it does burn you out and not to mention your spouse beyond burnt out. How will I get these “what if’s” that are in my brain out. They are¬†weaving this web that traps the memories and fear of treatments past¬†in my thoughts.

I just keep wondering will just be a matter of time before it will be back? I feel as if I am waiting for cancer to knock on my door again.  To quoate a poem from  Mr. Edgar Allen Poe:

“While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.`’Tis some visitor,’ I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -Only this, and nothing more.”

I know the feeling Mr. Poe about that damn rapping, but mine is no raven, mine is cancer and it seems to be here, forever more!

I mean I am 37 years old, and say god willing I live to 75 how many more biopsies and scares can I take mentally and physically take??? And not to mention when I go through it, my family goes through it. I just don’t want it to be a part of my life anymore.¬†It¬† seems like¬†the “C” word will be the third¬†person in my marriage¬†from now on.

Today I am happy to be Negative! Negative for cancer that is!!

Standard

Friday evening I got the long-awaited phone call. As I lay in bed buried in a pile pillows and a oxy to take the edge off the pain my phone rang. I knew it had to be my doctor because of the ominous¬†unknown phone number that came up on my caller id. Once again he had a cheery sound in his voice, but this time it was for real. The second biopsy is cancer free!! I feel like I was just pulled off of death row. Now my life can get back to normal.(However, I still will dream of those magical boobs that are in a far off land, I can still have reconstruction via my insurance company lol, but not for a while my body is a hot mess from all of the surgeries.) I just can’t believe the amount of pain I am in from this. My surgeon said he did have to go in deep, and I did also had the other biopsy last week. My poor beat up boob, it might as well be a pinata at a 7 year olds birthday party with all the abuse its taken over the past few weeks! Except mine is filled with scar tissue and bumps not candy and noise makers.

Ok, this pinata is def not for a 7 year olds birthday party. However with me and my friends this would be perfect to beat the hell out it to celebrate breast cancer awareness month!

But is your life ever “normal” after having cancer?? Will I always live with the fear of is it back? When will it be back? Do I have it again and just don’t know it yet? Has it matastsized?I feel like for the rest of my life I will be on the edge of my seat when it comes to my breast health. I know these questions resonate with other survivors, but how do u get over it? I just feel like that damn “C” word will be hovering over my shoulder,always. And every now and then just for shits and giggles it will rear its ugly head just for attention. Just when you are happy and feel healthy, along it comes just to let you know¬†its there¬†,and there will¬†always¬†be that¬†slight possibility of it coming back. However, I am a fighter, I have won this round and won my title of “survivor”.¬†I plan to keep it that way! DON’T MESS WITH ME CANCER, I HIT BACK!!

All aboard the mammography bus? The ride that saved my life!

Standard

This is a bus similar to the one that detected my breast cancer.It does not matter how you get it, just do it!!

I have not told how my breast cancer was found. Believe it or not¬†it was found while I was having¬† few paid hours off of work and a couple of laughs with friends. Where I work they offer a mammography¬†bus comes 3 times a year to the employees who work there. I was just 35 turning 36 I knew I was eligible for a base line mammo. (I work with insurance, other wise I would not have had a clue,). My coworker and I kept calling to sign up for exam and no one was returning our calls. I was in no rush, there was no family history, I have no lumps bumps or other things in my boobs. How could anything be wrong with mine, I just had my 1 year anniversary and was looking towards the future. Finally my coworker Pat complained so much found someone to finally make an appointment with. Pat then turned to me and said, “here take the phone its your turn”.

Our appointments where set for December 10th 2010, this is my day that will live in infamy…December 10th was like every other day to me, rushing to get my son out of the house to the bus on time.I am rushing to get something to eat and beat the traffic to work. That day, that afternoon, little did I know my life would change forever. Now I am not gonna lie, I was a little nervous since I was a mammo virgin, I mean most virgins are.¬†My two coworkers assured me it would be fine and not hurt. So I climbed up the stairs filled out some papers to give consent and was told to step into what I can only describe as the smallest dressing room on the planet, I could barely unhook my bra in that shoe box of a room!¬†The entire time I keep thinking “I wonder if anyone outside can see in?”, apparently not cause man would they have gotten an eye full lol.

Next¬†tech explained to me the process and how to get adjusted in the most difficult positions to get the best films.(I don’t think a contortionist¬† could have pulled off some of these moves!)She finished my first round and stepped back to take a look at them. I tried to wrench my neck to see them (like I would know if I could see them what anything ment, just look like a bunch of spider webbs to me, maybe they were scanning my brain instead???lol). The tech said my right side needed more pictures that she wanted to get some clearer shots. At that time nothing in my mind clicked that something could be wrong, so I got dressed and went about my life for the next two weeks.

This was the winter we had that terrible blizzard right before¬†Christmas. I think it was God’s way of intervening¬†for me to have a Merry Christmas, because we couldn’t¬†shovel out to mail box¬†for two days. But when I did¬†I received a letter in the mail from the mammography bus stating they found a density and would require further testing. What is a density? I know I¬†can be dense in the head sometimes, are they insulting my breasts??? no can’t be. So I get online and google density of the breasts. From what I read at my age women have dense breast and it appears white on a¬† mammograph. Ok, this does not sound so bad, right? I call my
GYN¬†and get a script for a mammo¬†and an ultrasound for the second week of January 2011, great a new year I already have to start using my vacation days ugh, so much for my trip to St. John’s in the spring!!

I go to the breast center at my local hospital figuring this is as good as any place to go. I mean I already had one done in a parking lot at my work, how bad could this place be! I find myself once again in a strange place getting undressed (I know what your thinking, get your mind out of the gutter!! I am no that kind of girl! Lol) Anyway the tech is going though my medical history and asked when was my last cycle? It had been a few months, however I knew I was not pregnant. Less than a year ago, 3 months after my wedding I had suffered a ectopic¬†pregnancy (tubal pregnancy) and was rushed to surgery, I lost the baby and my falopian¬†tube.¬†After telling the tech that it was a few months they said the would not do the mammo, they needed a blood test to confirm no pregnancy.¬†I asked her to please do the ultrasound since I took the day off. This was cleared with the Radiologist, little did I know¬†my journey with the big “C” word would¬†began.
 
I was now introduced to a new tech who only does breast ultrasounds. I was told to lay down on the table and it would just take a few mins. Those few mins ended up taking forever. Not knowing if this was normal, I now wait to have the doctor come in (great another person to feel me up!).¬†He came in sat in the techs seat and started his own ultrasound, checking and rechecking. He seemed to be a very nice man, well dressed ,reserved¬†and kind.( I guess you really can not be a jerk when it comes to dealing with women that are riddled with anxiety¬†and hormones (I bet he’s a married man lol).He seemed to be measuring something. He then stopped and put his hand on mine and said “has anyone told you that you have a large mass?”. At that moment my stomach dropped, I felt like I was on free fall and just crashed into the bottom. I was not prepared to hear MASS, especially large mass! Maybe its a mistake,maybe he is calling my boob a large mass, I mean they are quite large lol. The next thing he told me I need a biopsy and would need to see a breast surgeon asap. I gathered my things, walking out of the breast center and stared to cry. How could I have the “C” word??? I am to young! I just got married! I just lost my father! I just lost a pregnancy! This is just not right!!! Little did I know the “C” word would become a regular part of my vocabulary.
(just a little side note about this picture.¬†First off this¬†patient is waaaaaaay¬†to happy for this procedure, not like she’s¬†having a martini and a pedi.¬† Usually you are having this done because¬†they found something.Most of the time¬†when I am there I am praying they don’t¬† see anything. On the positive side this does not hurt at all ūüôā )
 
¬†¬†The next day I go to work and share the news with my coworkers,they are in shock. I then realize this could be a teachable moment!! (Ok I am no Oprah but maybe someone can learn something here!) I said to my friend Jess, “hey you wanna feel my mass??“). So off it was to the lady’s room. My mass is on the right side on the closer side towards my armpit, so no reason to take my blouse off. As people walked in they looked at us like we had ten heads lol! I admit walking into the lady’s room at work you don’t expect to see someone with their hand down another persons shirt! However when they did walk in we explained I probably have breast cancer and I was letting Jess feel what it felt like, because if I had no clue what a mass felt like I knew other people didn’t either. Believe it or not a few others wanted to feel and see what it was. Out of a really crappy thing something positive!!! I have now shown people what a mass feels like and hopefully educated them so they will not have to take this bus ride I now am on.

My reason for sharing.

Standard

Hi my name is Heather I am¬†37 yrs old and as of this week I¬† am 12¬†months in remission from breast cancer,yay! ¬†Ok , that sounded like a AA meeting opening LOL. This is not gonna be a gloom and doom blog about¬†breast¬†cancer (maybe a little¬†wining from time to time lol). And I am not all about the must do’s and don’t of it either (however I believe you must be your own health advocate). I feel if it works for you then do it. I have learned though out this process A LOT of humor goes a long way, especially every time¬†I go for a follow-up¬†mammo¬†they¬†alway see something that turns out to be nothing. unfortunately¬†this week was a mammo¬†week, and YES they found something, REALLY ? This week¬†¬†is my year anniversary of being in remission, I guess someone forgot to send¬†a memo to my boob!¬† It is what it is, and I will soon find out what needs to be done. So here we go once again, I get felt up by everyone and anyone,¬†my boobs didn’t get this much action in college¬†for¬†goodness¬†sake lol!¬†One of the things my father always said to me was “make sure in life you have a good sense of humor”, that was the best thing he could have said to me. So be aware at times I have a sick sense of humor. It makes me laugh and some others laugh too, so what the hell if you gonna¬†look like shit and feel like shit, you might as well make a sick joke about it!! It was suggested to me by a few people to start this blog because in the past two years I have been to hell and back,not just with the breast cancer. So if I can make someone laugh or inspire someone that¬†life after cancer and other things does go on, then the battle I have fought has been all worth it ūüôā

Before there was cancer it was just us.

Standard

WELCOME TO MY CRAZY LIFE WITH CANCER,CHEMO AND MORE!

¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† This is a photo from my wedding to the most caring and compassionate man in the world, my husband Rick on November 21, 2010. Little did¬†we know on this day when we said our vows for better or for worse….the worse would soon start! (but in my eyes we got all the crappy stuff out of the way early on in our lives together).¬†¬†Image