When will the worrying stop?? I know this time I escaped the “C” word, but what about the next? T minus 5 months and counting till my next cameo @ the breast center. Will they find something again, and will have more biopsies?? Does anyone understand this feeling??? I am only a year in remission, is this how the rest of my life will be??? (Sorry about the rant.)
I know I am strong, but truth be told I am scared, scared as shit! I am scared that this thing will be back again, even though the statics (yes, lets not forget again I am a stastic) show I have A 97% of being cured. But how do I know, how do “they” know? I JUST DONT KNOW!!! Its frustrating and confusing and stressful. Truthfully, after getting through the chemo and radiation I had no issues going for my follow-up mammos they didn’t scare me. Now, I have a new perspective with my two recent biopsies. I know its call “CYA“, and god forbid something is not followed up on, but I can appreciate that. However, it does burn you out and not to mention your spouse beyond burnt out. How will I get these “what if’s” that are in my brain out. They are weaving this web that traps the memories and fear of treatments past in my thoughts.
I just keep wondering will just be a matter of time before it will be back? I feel as if I am waiting for cancer to knock on my door again. To quoate a poem from Mr. Edgar Allen Poe:
“While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.`’Tis some visitor,’ I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -Only this, and nothing more.”
I know the feeling Mr. Poe about that damn rapping, but mine is no raven, mine is cancer and it seems to be here, forever more!
I mean I am 37 years old, and say god willing I live to 75 how many more biopsies and scares can I take mentally and physically take??? And not to mention when I go through it, my family goes through it. I just don’t want it to be a part of my life anymore. It seems like the “C” word will be the third person in my marriage from now on.