Tag Archives: fear

Finally…reconstruction and nipples are here! HORRAY!!

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Finally…reconstruction and nipples are here! HORRAY!!

Well, it’s finally here!! My consultation for my mastectomy reconstruction and nipple reconstruction is tomorrow. Yes, once again more surgery. At this point I’ve stopped counting lol. It’s been well over a year I had my implants placed, now it’s time to tune them up!

  
I approach this with joy, excitement and fear. Excitement to be “complete”, joy to be moving on with this and fear of the unknown. How will I look? Will I be happy? And of course how much will it hurt? All I know there is something in me that says now is the right time. I want to feel whole again. I know the fear of cancer will always linger  but finishing this process will help me have some closure to the cancer chapter in my life, and allow me to open a new chapter…life after cancer, being a survivor! 

 

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Life FINALLY back to normal!?

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Life FINALLY back to normal!?

What is normal after having two bouts of cancer?? Are you ever the same again? How do you get from here to there? These are some questions I’ve been asking myself.

First step is finishing up physical therapy. Unfortunately I go three times a week, I had no strength in my arms. But I’ve made great strides, but some how I don’t think I will be entering in any power lifting contests anytime soon! I have I also lost 40 pounds by juicing, eating organic, cutting out red meat and ALL sugar/sugar substitutes in the hopes of becoming healthier and stronger. I don’t EVER want to be sick again!!!!!!!

Next, mentally preparing to go back to work. I am nervous but excited at the same time. I can’t wait to see all my friends that have been a huge support this time around. The “chemobrain” from three years ago STILL lingers, and is aggravated by the menopause, Femora and stress. It’s beyond frustrating and embarrassing. I know I ask my husband four, five times a day the same question! How am I going to manage at work with the memory issues??? I guess I’ll be headed to Costco for a case of post it’s! The other thing about work is I know the second I see people that I have not seen since the mastectomy I know their eyes will be looking at the “new” girls. Do I first say to them ” hey I’m up here! It’s just something uncomfortable I’ve been noticing people do since the surgery. I may just stick one of those post it’s on my chest and write on it ” hey, eyes up here!!”.

Wish me luck this week, for it’s off to work I go to begin my “new” normal!
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Today is my reconstruction surgery. Happy birthday to my new twins!

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Well today is the day that I am having the c-section for my twins! (don’t know if they are boys are girls yet !) Really I’m getting my brand new perky magical new breasts! Remember those magical breasts that I talked about many, many blogs ago? These are the ones that would never need a bra and would look fantastic in everything that I wore? Yes those breasts!! Oh and let’s not forget these the most important thing is they are cancer free!

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A little nail art to welcome the twins!

I am entering into the surgery with anxiety, some fear, but especially excitement to see how I’m going to look after all it’s over. Its time to close this chapter in “Heather’s Breast Cancer Shenanigans and Surprises”. ūüôā

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YES I DID!!

Save the date!!!

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Today I have the date for my bilateral mastectomy. July 29 th is the big day.

I have mixed emotions. I am happy to have this done, sad to see the girls go, anxious to wait three weeks, worried about complications. I am sure these are all common things that goes through a persons mind with this type of surgery. I am trying to prepare myself as much as possible for it without making me nuts( or making my husband nuts lol)

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I am thinking of having a going away party for them! I would like to have a boob cake and cut them right off! I have also considered sending out announcements saying ” its twins”! Too much??? Nah not with my sense of humor!!

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To mastectomy, or not to mastectomy that question!!

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Well here it goes, as promised the follow up to my appointment for my new breast surgeons appointment. I am sure you have been holding your breath for this post! ( I know I have been lol)

After four weeks for grinding my teeth in my sleep. And breaking out in a rash on my legs, at last the big day has arrived. Before my appointment I filled out a TON of papers. Making sure I have all one hundred pages of pathology and radiology reports. I review all 15 pounds of my mammography and ultra sound pictures to make sure every single one was there to be viewed. The one thing that just stood out was the report form my last mammo stating ” highly suspicious” calcifications where found. How many more of these can I mentally endure? And its not just me! Its my husband, son, family and friends. I’m not gonna lie this completely sucks! New boobs are looking better and better!
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I was referred to an amazing breast surgeon who my oncologist works with. I have never been in office that was managed so well and everyone there really and truly cared about you. After the physical exam we
spent about an hour in the doctors personal office going over my films and learning what it meant to have a mastectomy. She last not happy I have already had three biopsy after having a lumpectomy two years ago. And the last streotatic biopsy was pretty much precancer.In my mind I was already sold on what needs to be done . If it means not to have any more biopsies every 6 months and mentally freaking out every 6 months I want it where’s the paperwork let me sign it! At last a light at end of the cancer tunnel!

This Wednesday I’m now to meet with plastic surgeon to speak about the reduction and reconstruction of both breasts. I have so many questions going to my mind for him. How the surgery works, recovery time, if the implants will need to be replaced and how much pain I will be in. I’m assuming it’s going to be a lot of pain but nothing in life that’s worth having is not a pain in the ass!
I saw the movie a long time ago, ” I Wore Lipstick to my mastectomy”, Back then I didn’t know how much meaning it would now. I just need to figure out MY war paint that I will be wearing to my mastectomy!!
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(Mine won’t be red, maybe I will do blue lol)

The voice of “what if” is in my head. How do I get it out??

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When will the worrying stop?? I know this time¬†I escaped the “C” word, but what about the next? T minus 5 months and counting till my next cameo @ the breast center. Will they find something again, and will¬† have more biopsies?? Does¬†anyone understand this feeling??? I am only a year¬†in remission, is this how the rest of my life will be???¬†(Sorry about the rant.)

I know I am strong, but truth be told I am scared, scared as shit! I am scared that this thing will be back again, even though the statics (yes, lets not forget again I am a stastic) show I have A 97% of being cured. But how do I know, how do “they” know? I JUST DONT KNOW!!!¬†¬†Its frustrating and confusing and stressful. Truthfully, after getting through the chemo and radiation I had no issues going for my follow-up mammos¬†they didn’t scare me. Now, I have a new perspective with my two recent biopsies. I know its call “CYA“, and god forbid something is not followed up on, but¬†I can appreciate that.¬†However, it does burn you out and not to mention your spouse beyond burnt out. How will I get these “what if’s” that are in my brain out. They are¬†weaving this web that traps the memories and fear of treatments past¬†in my thoughts.

I just keep wondering will just be a matter of time before it will be back? I feel as if I am waiting for cancer to knock on my door again.  To quoate a poem from  Mr. Edgar Allen Poe:

“While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.`’Tis some visitor,’ I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -Only this, and nothing more.”

I know the feeling Mr. Poe about that damn rapping, but mine is no raven, mine is cancer and it seems to be here, forever more!

I mean I am 37 years old, and say god willing I live to 75 how many more biopsies and scares can I take mentally and physically take??? And not to mention when I go through it, my family goes through it. I just don’t want it to be a part of my life anymore.¬†It¬† seems like¬†the “C” word will be the third¬†person in my marriage¬†from now on.