Here I am not able to sleep. Partially because of pain but mostly anxiety. Plus the dog curled up in my lap constantly does not help the hot flashes, but it’s ok I need the snuggling to get me through this.
Tomorrow I get to see my new breasts!! And maybe have a drain removed ( I hate them they are horribly sore) I really hope this was the last surgery, and believe me this one was a doozie!!! Constant pulling and pressure.
The first day home was a huge struggle to get the pain meds right. The second day started running a fever, highest it went was 100.9, whew just missed going to Er. I have tendencies to run fevers after all my surgeries. I think it has something to do with my Lupus. Having a fever to go along with everything else was pretty unbareable. But I can see some cleavage!! At least there is cleavage at the end of this tunnel!🚂
I’m just so uncomfertable with the two drains and not being able to lift my arms. My husband has been a fantastic caregiver as always, I don’t know if I could do it for someone else.
My son has also been a huge help, but you know 15yr olds busy with friends and work. Sadly to say this is “normal” for him lol. I do feel this entire cancer thing has made him a better person. I see a lot of compassion from him and he has a tendency to always help someone in need. ( plus he does his own wash! Your welcome future wife! Just don’t meet him for like 13-14yrs from now I’m not quite ready to cut the apron strings 😁)
I’ll be back in a few days with an update of how my girls are going
Oh and don’t forget to check out my Etsy store!! http://www.etsy.com/store/ ShoreSerenity , sea glass jewelry, beachy decor , wine cork decor and wreaths. If u mention my blog “chemobrainandmore”, you will receive 15% off any one item in my shop, good only until September 5th so hurry! One per customer please.
Just wanted everyone to know my MRI has not changed. The mass is stable for now and no biopsy!!!
Sorry I have not been writing as much, I had a fall on my stair case pretty bad and of course I caught my right arm( the troubled one) on the way down. I didn’t damage the surgical sight but pulled all the muscles an possible tore scare tissue because I it constantly burning. So I’m restricted on movement till I feel better. My back is going out, my shoulder hurts and I have a terrible stiff neck. Frustrating having a fall back in my progression.
Also, sadly I have a diagnosis of depression, panic disorder and PTSD. I am fighting the physical pain along with my mind. I am in treatment, it’s so hard especially when people say it’s ok, because it’s not. I feel like I’m expected to some how snap out of this tomorrow, and I know it does not work that way at all. This is the side of cancer no really talks about, the mental pain that hits you out of no where, I have panic attacks daily some times more, if I could sleep all day I would, that is if I fall asleep at all>, I don’t like leaving the house, my startle reflex is a15 on a scale of 1-10, everything is like nails on a chalk board ie son dribbling ball in house, me just generally snapping at everyone on a dime., of and crying at EVERYTHING is a treat, not to mention I wake up trembling and sweating daily ( so attractive) THIS is not me! I hate it because it feels never ending even though rationally I know it is. When I am in a panic attack I am so illrational it’s unreal, once I calm down I can see it.
I’m doing what I can to feel better, eating right, meditating, I going a meditation n reiki group ( gives me something to look forward to ). I have my first bc support group Thursday night. Plus I see dr. H weekly and speak to a mental health coach weekly. Right now for me at least it’s hard to keep things in perspective. My denial for my long term disability still has not been turned over so still waiting on that. The ” what if” that cancer is back will always be in the back go my mine. The worry that my ” chemobrain” after two years won’t get better, I hate repeating myself and asking the same thing over and over again. My family member don’t seem to think chemobrain is a dx and that I just like to hear myself talk, it’s real, it’s frustrating, and it’s bad! I feel like I’m loosing my mind at times with it.
We’ll thanks for the rant and my upbeat lmao update. Hopefully with a good amount of treatment and tweeting of meds this too shale pass. I know there will be some lesson to learn from this, I just can see it through all the fog. e
Yep, its me again talking about my boobs! Its that love/hate relationship with Thursdays and its here again, sorry Dr. A. You are a pleasure to see, its just that damn needle!
Tomorrow I’m sorry to say I will not be as brave as last week, no topical and 50cc, that is as brave as brave can gets when it comes to this crap! I can only describe this feeling kinda like jumping into ice water. The shock of the needle puncturing your muscle is like first hitting that water, its shock, pain and a slight twitch. Then you slowly ease into it an accept the feeling, and then hurry out into a warm towel. Accept after the needle I don’t have a warm towel to comfort me, however I do have muscle relaxers to take the edge off. 😉
I am getting to the point when I have my tank top on I am not flat chested! Its no where close to where I was before, but I am good with that. Like I said in my previous blog, my breasts and I had a good run together and now we have had a amicable divorce! I am happy with my new life with out them!
Through out this long process I believe I have one of the best plastic surgeons in Nj. Dr. A ( Dr Assad Samra). He is so kind and caring it has made this a easier process. He listens to all my concerns. And answers all my questions, even my stupid ones!! Ever time I get my injection I some how find something to laugh about, it is comforting especially when your getting two needles in your boobs for weeks lol. So I really do need to say a huge thank you for making a difficult time in my life a little easier with your wonderful bed side manner. Even my husband is very impressed, and that is hard to do!
Its that time of the week!! Its Thursday! And that means its time to, pump me up!!!
Last week I ended up going down to 25cc. I got some relief, but truthfully every day I’m in pain. Its a pain in the
ass boob lol. I just don’t know what to do? Suck it up do 50cc get it over faster OR get 25cc less pain but prolong the process? What to do, what to do?
I am also frustrated because I don’t think people actually get how much physical pain is involved. The other thing is people seem in shock when I tell them I have to have another surgery for the swap, and I don’t know the date of that. THIS IS NOT A BOOB JOB PEOPLE, ITS A MASTECTOMY, TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS!! Its like comparing apples to oranges!Believe me, I didn’t need a boob job before the big C! Sorry just a small venting lol.
This is an apple
This is a orange.
These are boobs!! Any questions??
Well, we will see what my PC suggests when I get there about the cc,s. I’m sure when I get home I will go right to bed and sleep it off. Hopefully tomorrow will be a pain “lesser” kind of day! 🙂
Finally I am now well enough to proceed with the process of fill my expanders. Or as I like to say filling the girls up! My husband calls it getting air in my tier.
I admit I was quite nervous driving there, because finally I was no longer in pain and did not know if it would feel as bad as it did after surgery.
We decided 50cc would be best to start with. So my Plastic Surgeon took out a magnetic device to find the port in the expander, placed an X on the spot and out came the GIANT needle!! Really in theory it was not that big, but when your that close it looks as thick as a baseball bat!! Again you would think I would be used to needles and in some cases yes, like a simple blood draw at Lab corp that takes three sticks because the don’t liston to me when I show them my one good vein that does not colaspe. ( that makes me nuts! I gave one arm to draw from get blood taken at least 15 times a year, but why would they liston to me???? K sorry for my rant on blood draws lol)
Truthfully it was not a bad experience! Or it could have been the zanex and flexeral kicking in lol.Yes it did pinch going in and I felt pressure but no pain. ( the pain came hours later, I did need some percs lol). It was fascinating seeing your boob grow right in front of you. It was like puberty in fast forward!
Its amazing how much 50cc boosted my confidence. Only 450 more to go lol. YES, I am going for large girls , however they are smaller then my old ones. I can’t wait to see the final ta-ta product! Watch out Victoria’s Secret you have a boobie newbie on your hands and ready to shop!!
Oh hello, how did u get here so fast??
PS I will soon have my ACS Strides link up. I can’t walk this year but I am confident I will surpass last years total!!
When I was in the hospital doing laps on the Surgical Oncology floor with my IV pole in tow .I saw a woman in this sitting room having chemo. The view from the room was beautiful, it overlooks a river and there where small sail boats dancing on the water, pretty much a picture perfect day with the exception of just having surgery. I smiled at the women thinking that could be me again. And also curious about her cancer journey. I said to her it was to nice outside to be stuck in my hospital room. She the said to me, ” some people choose to live and some choose to exisit “. I thought to myself what a interesting thing to say. My answer was I choose to live!!!! I guess some people give up when they have the big C. I don’t know any other way but to fight and live. This surgery by far, pain wise, is on the edge of being unbearable, however I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because I have this pain and feel it means I’m alive!!! And I choose to live!!!
Well I made I through the big surgery, approx 7 hours in the operating room. I also spent an extra night in the hospital due to pain control. I’m not gonna lie i was brought to tears twice in the first 12 hours because it hurt so much. It is defiantly no cake walk by any means!!!. Nothing in life that is worth anything, is not without some pain!
Today I get to shower!!!! I didn’t think showering would be such a big deal!!
P.S. NO CANCER!!!!!!!! My pathology report was clear!!!!!!
This is me about an hour after surgery.