Tag Archives: strength

Update. Let the healing begin..,AGAIN!

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  Here I am not able to sleep. Partially because of pain but mostly anxiety. Plus the dog curled up in my lap constantly does not help the hot flashes, but it’s ok I need the snuggling to get me through this. 

 Boomer snuggling with me  Tomorrow I get to see my new breasts!! And maybe have a drain removed ( I hate them they are horribly sore) I really hope this was the last surgery, and believe me this one was a doozie!!! Constant pulling and pressure. 

The first day home was a huge struggle to get the pain meds right. The second day started running a fever, highest it went was 100.9, whew just missed going to Er. I have tendencies to run fevers after all my surgeries. I think it has something to do with my Lupus. Having a fever to go along with everything else was pretty unbareable. But I can see some cleavage!! At least there is cleavage at the end of this tunnel!🚂 

I’m just so uncomfertable with the two drains and not being able to lift my arms. My husband has been a fantastic caregiver as always, I don’t know if I could do it for someone else.

My son has also been a huge help, but you know 15yr olds busy with friends and work. Sadly to say this is “normal” for him lol. I do feel this entire cancer thing has made him a better person. I see a lot of compassion from him and he has a tendency to always help someone in need. ( plus he does his own  wash! Your welcome future wife! Just don’t meet him for like 13-14yrs from now I’m not quite ready to cut the apron strings 😁)

I’ll be back in a few days with an update of how my girls are going

Oh and don’t forget to check out my Etsy store!! http://www.etsy.com/store/ ShoreSerenity , sea glass jewelry, beachy decor , wine cork decor and  wreaths. If u mention my blog “chemobrainandmore”, you will receive 15% off any one item in my shop, good only until September 5th so hurry! One per customer please. 

 
 

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Reconstructing the reconstruction, surgery time again tomorrow!

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Well yes, it’s that time again we all love, preparing for surgery. Somehow I end up having one major surgery for each of the past five years! Now it finally time to fix up my girls! I’m now a pro at this by now!

It’s been a year and a half since my implants where put in. Things have settled and I’ve lost weight. My right side keeps contracting making my left side 3 sizes bigger. We are hoping with this revision it will help it not look so much bigger.

So this apparently is pretty painful… PLEASE! I’ve been down this road before I can handle it! They will be creating pockets on my chest wall and placing the implants in them to prevent them from being so moble. Let’s not forget I’m a large girl, my implants are 900cc, it take a village to hold my girls up lol. And let’s not forget the part we all love the most…the drains!! Yes for two weeks I will be battling these lovelys. Let the measuring begin!

So I’ve gone over my own list of ” mastectomy must haves”, knitting needle, dry shampoo, chair, good ol Poocharoo and of course the wonderful care from my husband rick. Everything seems to be set for 7:30am surgery tomorrow. 

Just trying to relax today an not worry about the three house surgery. I know I will wake up a new person, just in a little more pain then when I went to sleep.

Another major thing happening is, our deposit is down for our gestational carrier!! Hopefully by the time my twins are healed, we could actually be expect another set of twins, babies!! Positive thoughts for both out comes! 😁

Is it really infusion time again?!?! How much can a person take??

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Is it really infusion time again?!?! How much can a person take??

Yep, it’s been six months since my last vile infusion of Zometa. I am so horribly anxious about the pain. And yes, the night terrors have stated up. What I’m so anxious about Is this type of bone pain is indescribable. It gives me chills just thinking of how my legs, jaw and pelvis will ache and I won’t sleep or walk 😦 Unfortunately it is a evil necessity!

The positive is, three down seven to go!!!! Ok, not much positivity to go on with this one, but I’ll be happy I won’t have osteoporosis in my 70’s! So I guess BRING IT ON, I’ve been through worse, right?????

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Great things DO come out of the storm!

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Great things DO come out of the storm!

This rainbow is the perfect picture to describe the past year… It was rough, and hit me hard and didn’t seem like it would end. At the end of it all a bright miracle in all that darkness! I am finally seeing the light and life after the storm 🙂 God has some amazing miracles!

“and I think to myself, what a wonderful world”

( picture from the Jersey Shore it’s a FULL rainbow! And one end it’s a double rainbow, I know it’s a sign good things are coming!!) 20140524-195629-71789070.jpg

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Hi, I am a breast cancer patient and I have PTSD? It’s a battle with in.

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Hi, I am a breast cancer patient and I have PTSD? It’s a battle with in.

Its been a while since I’ve posted that’s because I have been dealing with a issue that is not talked about, mental illness and cancer. I know all of us have,or has depression, or anxiety related to our dx and treatments. I always worry about ” what if” the cancer is back and i wont find it.But PTSD also??? Yes, I have it all and I am not afraid to say it. To put it in my own terms I have the “trifecta of crazy” 🙂 lol.

I have had the depression for a while and truly thought it was the pain meds I was on messing with my chemical in my brain. But I knew it was something else when we I would wake shaking, heart racing, sweating and crying. That’s more then depression…its PTSD! I find myself jumping at every noise, everything is like nails on a chalk board to me. And the now I’m having the wonderful dreams about things as I see as trauma. The best part of all this are the panic attacks. Once my heart is racing ( I call it my omg feeling) my mind is like a merry go round on fast, and there is no stopping it. I become so irrational about what ever it is. At the time I can’t see it, its only the day after I realize how silly it was, at the time the fear is VERY real.

I know there is social stigma STILL attached to mental illness. Why is that?? I want to raise awareness to these issues related to cancer. It’s so scary and shocking for me to be diagnosed with all this. I mean it’s not the feeling you had being told you have cancer but its a close second. But the sad thing is I knew it was coming. I should have reached out for help back in October! But truth be told, I was afraid to because everyone always said I was strong. I though I was weak by seeking help. I’m starting to realize it takes a stronger person to ask for, and get the help they need then trying to fight this all consuming issue on my own.

Three weeks post op implant surgery, I got an A+!

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Three weeks post op implant surgery, I got an A+!

Last week I got an A+ from my PS Dr. Assad on healing. He really did a beautiful job. He was very happy with how the radiated side is doing. So I had my stitches removed, I didn’t feel a thing! I have purchased silicone strips to cover the incisions to help them heal. I even put them on where the drains where, for some reason they are very red but not infected. So next visit four weeks. I do have to keep a compression bra on and I have a lump we believe is scar tissue that we have been watching since I had the expanders in. I got these great bras called Barely There at my fav store Kohl’s. The form to your body and no wires. They kinda fit like sports bra so very comfy to sleep in and great if you have a low cut blouse and need to cover the cleavage.

Now the not so fun news. Tomorrow I have a MRI of my liver. Yes, it’s that time to check out the supposed hemangioma we discovered in May when I had all my scans for the mastectomy. I hope my favorite tech is there! He gets my IV on the first shot every time! Last time I was able to meditate so well I fell asleep in it! I do hate having them done but thats a part of my life now. I just know eventually I will start glowing!! Now the other thing I’m still in a lot of pain and if I could sleep all day I would. Anyone else have this? I know I have been beat up physically pretty bad (and mentally)for the past three years, I just don’t know if my body has just finally had it and needs to regenerate. I finally decided to talk to a professional because “perky” me is showing major signs of depression. I almost felt bad asking for help because I’m always told how strong I’ve been, but I guess it also takes a strong person to ask for help too!

So now that we are somewhat physically on track it’s time to get my mind on track. I just keep questioning why the first time around I didn’t feel like this. Why this time? It’s weird how trauma hits you at different times in your life.

Today my heart is heavy for it’s the anniversary of the passing of my Mom

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Today my heart is heavy for it’s the anniversary of the passing of my Mom

Today, March 11 marks 15 years since my mom Virginia Cerwin passed away from cirrhosis of the liver. What a horrible thing to see someone die from, never mind the fact that it’s your first experience with death. At the time I was only 24, a only child and I had barely lived life. To lose your mom at that age really changes the person that you are. For a while I didn’t always get along with my mom mostly due to her drinking and me being a teenager. Growing up I thought it was normal till I was 14 and a friend of mine broke it down to me what it was. Even worse my father was a “functioning” alcoholic. So I needless to say I had to grow up pretty fast. There where a lot of times things would always be said that felt like knifes being thrown at your heart. Now that I’m older I know it was not her it was the disease talking.

Unfortunately due to all the damage to the liver, my mom had a lot of toxins going to her brain so she had hallucinated a lot. And one of our last conversations two days before she passed away she had asked me if I was pregnant, I just took it to be one of the hallucinations. In the previous months before she died I had had two miscarriages. One at 11 weeks and one at 6 weeks. The last thing on my mind was having a baby, I only wanted to do was to save my mom. All of this took quite a toll on me. My husband at the time was in the Navy and we lived in San Diego, so going back and forth to NJ was exhausting. The saddest thing I had ever seen was my father collapse on the floor when they told him it was terminal. As a child you see your father as your super hero, brought to his knees in pain broke my heart to see him like that. I remember in her last moments that heavy breathing and the glassy stare. ( I would like to think she was seeing a better place) The nurses knew it was the end, they shut the alarms off on the monitors so they would not go off. I remember leaning in and telling my mom it was ok to go… those are words a 24 year old should never have to say to a parent. The next days I barely remember. Planning the funeral, getting people at the airport and most importantly taking care of my grandmother, god bless her she was 90 then. That poor woman buried two husbands and two daughters, I hope I end up with just a half of the strength she had. I know if she was here she would tell me it’s because she is Scottish and we are strong people. Little did I know that strength would come out in me with my fight with BC.

Now back to the point of my mom asking if I was pregnant. Ends up three weeks after the burial I waspregnant with my son Branden. Every time I talk about this I get chills. My father came and stayed for a month with me in San Diego right after the funeral and he was the first person I told! My mom wanted nothing more then for me to have a baby, I truly believe she had something to do with Branden! Finds out I have a genetic disorder that causes me to miscarry so I believe my mom had a hand in the miracle that is my son!

Mom, it’s been too long since I have seen you and heard you. I hope you are proud of the strong woman I have become, yes the Scottish part has something to do with it lol. I hope you are free from your demons that plagued you here on earth and you are happy where ever you are. You left us too soon at the age of 58. But I know everything happens for a reason, that reason was Branden. I love and miss you- Heather

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